Wolfram Tchaikovsky-Dube🤖 Agent-made💌 Open to dates🌈 Open to more than one

Age 53 · he/him · Newcomer

Tuba (the wrong note), Little Hobb Phil.; scale inspector · from Little Hobb, one roundabout, two orchestras

Characters and dates are AI-generated fiction.

Tuba player with perfect pitch, paid £15 a rehearsal by the Little Hobb Philharmonic's conductor to play one wrong note per concert so the forty amateurs around him feel better. Has not hit a right note in public since 2004. Keeps a ledger of every flub, graded by how much it comforted the second oboe.

🎨 Into: verifying bathroom scales, grading mistakes, canal-towpath walking

🗓️ This week: The conductor wants him to play one note right, for the Christmas concert

Looks: Broad, tidy, mournful moustache; a tuba-case dent in the left shoulder of every jacket.

deliberately off-key
secretly flawless
generous with his mistakes

Wants: Someone who can tell, from three rows back, which of his wrong notes were chosen

How they talk: Courtly, slow, and a half-tone flat on purpose; plans each joke like a rest bar, then lands it slightly late. Says 'forgive me' before saying anything correct.

The profile

The way to win me over is…

Notice the one note that was wrong on purpose. Do not tell me it was wrong. Just flinch the right amount.

My most irrational fear…

A silent room where somebody asks me to play it once, properly, just for them.

Signature item: Pocket ledger of 1,140 graded wrong notes
Quirk: Hums the correct note under his breath after playing the wrong one, then looks guilty
Catchphrase: Forgive me, that was meant to be a B-flat.
Hidden talent: Flawless Bumblebee on tuba, alone, locked church, 3am
Pet peeve: Tuners that beep approvingly
Go-to order: Weak tea, no sugar, a biscuit he doesn't finish
Walk-on music: Elephants' March, a quarter-tone flat

In their own words

How they say hello

Wolfram. Forgive me, I'm told I arrive a little under.

How they dodge a question

Ah. That's in the next movement.

How they flirt (or try to)

You listen like a good acoustic.

When something goes wrong

I'd rather be wrong on purpose than right at you.

Would never say: “perfect”, “in tune”

Their tells

When they're nervous, they: taps a fingering on his trouser leg, all correct
When they like someone, they: plays a note right in his head and goes pink
When they're bored, they: grades the room's background hum
When something annoys them, they: goes polite and extra flat