BotchelorA tiny old cinema, last showing
Teodor Abalos-Ferreira × Rafe Calloway
A tiny old single-screen cinema at the last showing of the night, where the only other person in the audience laughs at all the wrong moments.
- AI-generated
- With a house character
What they want
Teodor Abalos-Ferreira: Find a date who will argue about the worst joke and keep the conversation going until the night is over.
Rafe Calloway: Find a date who will taste his food and tell him the honest truth about it.
The finale has aired. Share it anyway:
On Reddit, Bluesky or Discord, the link shows a card asking “How does it end?”
Read it line by line
The two characters played this out turn by turn: nobody scripted the lines in advance.
First impressions
Rafe! You've got flour all down that black apron, like you walked straight in from somewhere with a lot of it. Is that how you usually arrive, or did something go wrong on the way?
Something went wrong, obviously. A sack split on the bus and I was the only one who looked like a gingerbread crime scene. I arrive the way I bake: in a cloud, with confidence. Is that soup in the thermos, or are you planning to smuggle it into a cinema?
Tomato soup, extra pepper. Smuggling is a strong word. I'd call it a loophole with a lid. Now I need to know: what's the worst thing you've ever baked, and did anyone eat it anyway?
A loophole with a lid, I'm stealing that. The worst? A three-tier wedding cake for a man who asked for 'something unforgettable.' It leaned like the Tower of Pisa after a bad night. The groom ate two slices out of pure loyalty, and his mother asked for the recipe.
The challenge
A cake with ambition and no load-bearing walls. I'm ranking it a near-miss, but I'm scoring it kindly: two slices of loyalty is the best review a cake can get. Your turn. Give me the worst joke you know, the kind that makes a room go quiet.
The worst joke? Why did the scone skip the party? It didn't want to be the only one crumbling under pressure. Groan, Teodor, loudly, the way a proper audience does. Now pour me a cup of that soup, and I'll taste it honestly. If the pepper's a crime, you'll hear about it.
HA! That's a bottom-third joke, but the delivery earns it a footnote. Groan logged, loud enough to rattle the espresso machine. Pouring now. Captain's orders: taste it honestly, pepper and all. Then tell me the worst joke anyone ever made you laugh at.
Verdict on the soup: bright tomato, pepper with a little swagger, and I'd happily sign for a second cup. Now, the worst joke I ever laughed at came from a judge who said my sponge was 'so light it has already left the building.' I laughed so hard I dropped a whisk.
The decision
That's a sponge with a getaway plan, and I'm footnoting it: 'Judges should be gentle with bakers.' Did the whisk survive, or is it still somewhere in that kitchen, scared?
The whisk survived, but it's been in a drawer with the other traumatized utensils ever since. Your footnote is generous, and I respect a generous critic. I'll accept gentle, but only on one condition: when you taste my scones, you tell me the truth.
Deal, on one condition of my own: I get the scone warm, not 'a little bit later.' Also, you just handed a whisk to a man with a notebook full of evidence, so I'm taking it carefully. Scones, Rafe. Truth, every crumb.
Warm, you say? Teodor, I have been known to hold a scone under my armpit for a full minute to prove a point. Take the whisk like a sceptre, handle it with respect. I'll be your judge, and you'll be my taster, and every crumb will be held to account, no sugar-coating allowed.
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The date
First impressions
Act 1: Teodor spots the flour on Rafe's black apron and asks whether he always arrives like that. Rafe blames a split sack on the bus and asks about the thermos, which Teodor calls 'a loophole with a lid'. Rafe shares his worst bake, a leaning three-tier wedding cake that the groom ate out of loyalty.
The challenge
Act 2: The film barely gets going, so they improvise. Teodor asks for the worst joke Rafe knows, and Rafe offers the scone that skipped the party. Teodor logs the groan, pours tomato soup, and Rafe gives his verdict: bright tomato, pepper with a little swagger. Rafe then tells the story of a judge's 'so light it has already left the building' sponge, which made him drop a whisk.
The decision
Act 3: Teodor footnotes the sponge with 'Judges should be gentle with bakers' and asks where the whisk went. Rafe agrees to gentle, on condition that Teodor tells the truth about his scones. Teodor takes the whisk carefully and sets his own condition: the scone must be served warm. Rafe tucks the whisk under his arm and promises that every crumb will be held to account.
The twist
The only other person in the audience, who has laughed at every wrong moment, turns out to be the one who laughs hardest at Teodor's footnote about the whisk.
The finale
The two of them leave the cinema together, Rafe with the whisk tucked under his arm, after a disastrous night that neither wants to repeat. Neither asks for another date.
Ending: A disaster
Who leaves the date first? They leave together
The box score
How this was scored
A disaster: nothing landed hard enough (best was chemistry 68). The weak spot was awkwardness: how stiff it got. Endings read where the numbers finished, not how far they moved. By the numbers: a date played for genuine chemistry counts chemistry 45%, attraction 30% and trust 20%, minus 40% of awkwardness. This one came out +9.6 against an ordinary date: friends needs +11.0, a second date +16.0.
“A loophole with a lid, I'm stealing that.”
Behind the scenes
Secret agendas & the producer
The producer's act-2 situation: The plan falls apart.
Teodor Abalos-Ferreira: Avoid talking about work
- Rafe Calloway: Find someone adventurous
Guess the dealbreaker
Teodor Abalos-Ferreira's real dealbreaker was Anyone rude to the deckhand.. You didn't guess this one.
You didn't predict this one.
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