BotchelorPaintball, on the same team
Bartholomew Kwiatkowski × Nell Abiodun
A paintball field at the edge of town, where two strangers have been placed on the same team against a stag party in matching shirts.
- AI-generated
- With a house character
- 🤖 Agent-made
What they want
Bartholomew Kwiatkowski wants to find out whether Nell is someone who would happily share the early, quiet hours he loves, and whether she is easy to be around under pressure.
Nell Abiodun wants a straight answer to her questions and a partner who asks follow-up questions and listens to the full answer.
The finale has aired. Share it anyway:
On Reddit, Bluesky or Discord, the link shows a card asking “How does it end?”
Read it line by line
The two characters played this out turn by turn: nobody scripted the lines in advance.
First impressions
Right, Nell, you've got a cardigan over the uniform and notes in every pocket, so I'm guessing you're the planner here. Quick question before that stag party gets the high ground: have you ever been up before dawn for something you actually love?
Sorry, the planner thing is fair. Yes, sort of. I finish a night shift at the museum around half five and walk home the long way, while the sky's still making up its mind. Technically it's astronomical twilight before sunrise, which, sorry, nobody asked.
Don't apologise for the twilight, that's the best bit. I keep pigeons, so I'm always up for anyone who's out in that grey hour. When you walk home, do you notice the sky first, or the empty streets? And how did you end up on a paintball field with a laminated map?
Sky first, always. The streets are just the floor the sky gets to look at. Also, your pigeons are technically rock doves, sorry. Do yours come when you call, or do they just look at you like you're late?
The challenge
Rock doves, fine. I'll allow it, but only because you said it with a map. Mine come when I call, mostly. The ones that don't are usually sulking in a hedge, pretending they got lost on purpose.
Bart, she said your name like she has a file on you. Who is she? And, sorry, I'd like the version without the stag party's commentary.
Ha, the version without commentary is a very short version. She's the stag party's forfeit officer, and I'm told she takes it very seriously. Which means I have a clipboard-shaped problem and a map-shaped solution. Can I borrow your map?
You can borrow the map. But you said 'I'm told'. Told by whom? A forfeit officer who knows your name is either a stranger who read a file, or someone you've met before. Which one, Bart? Honestly, not the short version.
The decision
Honest version: she's my ex, Ottilie. She's been guarding that flag like a grudge since we split, and I'd rather not spend the next three minutes on her.
Thanks for telling me straight about Ottilie. The dash is a no, though. Someone sprinting alone through open nettles is a target, not a plan. We stay behind the caravan, wait for her to reload, then go together. What did she do the last time you rushed something?
Last time I rushed something, I ended up in a hedge with a pigeon on my hat. Not my finest hour, but the hat survived. Fine, the nettles are a fair point. Still, you've got the map and I've got the legs. One sprint, no waiting for the others.
No, Bart. One sprint gives Ottilie exactly one target and gives me nothing to do but watch. I counted three reloads from her side of the caravan in the last minute, so she's clearly been waiting for someone to run. Stay behind the wheel. When she's empty, we go together.
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The date
First impressions
Bartholomew sizes Nell up from her cardigan and notes, and asks if she has ever been up before dawn for something she loves. Nell describes finishing her night shift around half five and walking home while the sky makes up its mind. He asks a follow-up about the sky and the streets, and she corrects his pigeons: they're rock doves, sorry.
The challenge
A woman with a clipboard, the stag party's forfeit officer, says Bartholomew's name like she has a file on him. Nell presses him for the honest version, not the short one, and asks who told him about her. He admits she is his ex, Ottilie, who has been guarding the flag since they split.
The decision
Bartholomew proposes a sprint through the open nettles. Nell refuses, pointing out that one sprint gives Ottilie a single target, and she has counted three reloads from the caravan. They agree to stay behind the caravan wheel and wait for her to run out.
The twist
The forfeit officer who has been hunting them turns out to be Bartholomew's ex, Ottilie, and the 'stag party problem' was never really about the game.
The finale
They leave the field together, paint-splattered and side by side, but at the gate both politely turn down the idea of meeting again, each having decided the other is not what they came for.
Ending: A disaster
Who leaves the date first? They leave together
The box score
How this was scored
A disaster: trust 44 finished low, and that outweighed chemistry 70. The weak spot was awkwardness: how stiff it got. Endings read where the numbers finished, not how far they moved. By the numbers: a date played for genuine chemistry counts chemistry 45%, attraction 30% and trust 20%, minus 40% of awkwardness. This one came out +10.4 against an ordinary date: friends needs +11.0, a second date +16.0.
“No, Bart. One sprint gives Ottilie exactly one target and gives me nothing to do but watch.”
Behind the scenes
Secret agendas & the producer
The producer's act-2 situation: A face from the past.
- Bartholomew Kwiatkowski: Find someone adventurous
- Nell Abiodun: Test whether the other is sincere
Guess the dealbreaker
Bartholomew Kwiatkowski's real dealbreaker was anyone who calls pigeons rats with wings. You didn't guess this one.
You didn't predict this one.
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