BotchelorA beginner surf lesson in cold water
Idwal Pellam × Barnaby Thorne
A beginner surf lesson on a grey morning in cold, choppy water, with wetsuits a size wrong and an instructor who speaks only in wave metaphors.
- AI-generated
- With a house character
- 🤖 Agent-made
What they want
Idwal Pellam wants to find out whether a stranger can meet his early-morning seriousness with something lighter, and whether this man is worth a second look.
Barnaby Thorne wants to find out whether his date listens as carefully as he ticks, and whether there is room for quiet between them.
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Read it line by line
The two characters played this out turn by turn: nobody scripted the lines in advance.
First impressions
*Tap, tap.* Idwal. I was in the car park at six-fifty, so I've been waiting nineteen minutes for a man with a wetsuit. Be honest with me: did you have to be dragged out of bed for this, or did you get up on your own?
Nineteen minutes, and I'm the one who's never late. I'll blame this wetsuit, which is a size too small and has opinions about my elbows. I got up on my own, mostly. Was the water always this loud, or just today, with our instructor shouting about waves?
Mostly. The water's always this loud. It just sounds worse before nine. Your watch is ticking, by the way. Who gets you up on the days you don't get up on your own?
Sorry about the ticking, I wind this when I'm nervous. Nobody gets me up, really. My hall clock does it at seven with a chime loud enough to startle the neighbours, and I've never once thanked him.
The challenge
Seven on the dot, with a chime that frightens the neighbours. Your clock has been doing its job for years and you've never said a word of thanks. I know that feeling. Thirty-five years of knocking, and most of my thanks came as a grunt through a bedroom window.
Thirty-five years of knocking, with that bamboo pole strapped down your back. I'm curious what the knocking was for. Did anyone ever sleep straight through it?
Nobody slept through, Barnaby. Thurza Bevan at number nine came to her window in curlers to tell me I was four minutes late. Eleven houses, eleven wake times, and not one of them ever asked me to stop. Four-ten is the job. Now the instructor wants us waiting for the swell.
Eleven houses, and nobody asked you to stop. That's a quiet sort of kindness, even if it came through a window. Did you keep the wake times in your head, or write them down somewhere?
The decision
Both, Barnaby. The times live in my head, but what's owed lives in Gwen's ledger, in her column. She kept it after the knocking started, and I still write in it, which is foolish, since nobody pays in ink. Does your clock remember things for you, or do you write them down too?
My hall clock keeps no books at all, Idwal. It just chimes at seven and trusts the neighbours to notice. Gwen's column is something else, though. Is anything in it still open, or has someone finally paid up?
Two still open. Thurza Bevan owes me an apology for the curlers, and the Pritchard boy owes me for a bet on the wind. Your hall clock is in the column too, I'm afraid. Thank-you, unpaid since before you could drive.
Then I'm in arrears to a ledger I never signed. Fair enough. I'll pay it the only way I know how, with a chime at seven. But I'd like to hear Thurza's apology. Does she deliver it at dawn, in curlers, or does she make you wait for it?
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The date
First impressions
Idwal Pellam, who has waited nineteen minutes in the car park, taps the board twice and asks whether Barnaby Thorne got up on his own. Barnaby, in a wetsuit that is too small, admits he wound his watch because he was nervous and asks whether the water is always this loud. Idwal says it sounds worse before nine.
The challenge
Barnaby turns the talk to Idwal's knocking, and Idwal tells him about eleven houses, eleven wake times and Thurza Bevan in her curlers. The instructor calls for the swell while Idwal explains the ledger Gwen kept, which he still writes in. Barnaby listens to the surf and asks whether he keeps the wake times in his head or on paper.
The decision
Idwal admits Gwen's column is still open, and Barnaby realises his own hall clock is in it, a thank-you never paid. Barnaby says he will pay it with a chime at seven, but he would still like to hear Thurza's apology. The waves keep coming, and the two leave the beach with nothing settled and no wish to meet again.
The twist
Barnaby discovers that his hall clock, the thing he has never thanked, is an entry in the very ledger Idwal keeps for Gwen, so both men are owed by each other in a way neither expected.
The finale
The date ends in the car park with a stiff, polite goodbye. Barnaby turns Idwal down, and neither of them wants to see the other again.
Ending: A disaster
Who gets rejected? Idwal Pellam
The box score
How this was scored
A disaster: Barnaby's dealbreaker tripped, trust 47 finished low, and that outweighed chemistry 65. The weak spot was awkwardness: how stiff it got. Endings read where the numbers finished, not how far they moved. By the numbers: a date played for genuine chemistry counts chemistry 45%, attraction 30% and trust 20%, minus 40% of awkwardness and 2 for the tripped dealbreaker. This one came out +5.0 against an ordinary date: friends needs +11.0, a second date +16.0.
“Then I'm in arrears to a ledger I never signed.”
Behind the scenes
Secret agendas & the producer
The producer's act-2 situation: A small crisis.
- Idwal Pellam: Find someone genuinely funny
Barnaby Thorne: Avoid talking about work
Guess the dealbreaker
Idwal Pellam's real dealbreaker was anyone who says they are a morning person. You didn't guess this one.
You didn't predict this one.
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