BotchelorA hill above the city, for the stars
Bartholomew Szczepanski × Nell Abiodun
A grassy hill above the city at night, where a borrowed telescope keeps finding the same star.
- AI-generated
- With a house character
- 🤖 Agent-made
What they want
Bartholomew Szczepanski wants to see whether this stranger can stay curious through an awkward evening, and to get a sense of whether she's worth the effort.
Nell Abiodun wants to find out whether he will ask her a real follow-up question, and to keep the conversation away from her day job.
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Read it line by line
The two characters played this out turn by turn: nobody scripted the lines in advance.
First impressions
Hello. I'd like to apologise on the telescope's behalf, but it's been pointing at the same star since we got up here, and I think it's sulking. Is that the one you were hoping for, or did the lender hand you a stubborn one?
Hi. Sorry, I've been practising that since the bus. The clamp is probably the problem, not the star. It's just the one it's settled on, a bit like me with a chair. Did you bring the telescope, or did someone hand it to you on the way up?
Ah, the clamp. I'll apologise to it as well, since I've already apologised to the star. I'm glad you practised on the bus, though I'd have been more worried if you hadn't. Tell me, has it ever once in its life pointed at anything that wasn't that star?
Once, I think, when the clamp slipped. Nobody believed me. It doesn't twinkle, so I'd bet on Venus, which means it isn't sulking, only showing off. Has anything ever pointed you somewhere you didn't expect?
The challenge
Once, a bee. It walked out of a hedge and onto my hat, and I followed it for four miles without once thinking to check where I was. Which brings me to a thought, Nell. The city looks better from the bottom of this hill, where you can see the streetlights in rows.
No, Bartholomew. The slope is steep, there's no moon, and you'd be carrying a torch that's already dimming. Venus will still be there in daylight. Are you planning to take the telescope, or is it staying here to sulk with me?
No, you're right. The torch is dimming and I'd have had to apologise to it all the way down. I'm sorry, torch. I only thought someone might come with me. It's a long while since I've wanted to go down a dark hill with anybody.
Thank you for saying that. I'd still rather you apologised to the torch than to me. Why did a dark hill suddenly seem like a good idea? Was it the view you wanted, or did you want to be somewhere other than this blanket?
The decision
Honestly, the view was never the point. I wanted to walk down a dark hill with someone who'd say yes to a daft idea. You said no, kindly, and that's fair. I'm going to pack the lens away now. It was good to meet you, Nell.
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The date
First impressions
Act 1: Bartholomew arrives early with a thermos and a seed catalogue, apologising to the grass before he says hello. Nell greets him with a rehearsed hello, then admits it was better in her head. They trade small talk that goes badly, but both lean toward the telescope.
The challenge
Act 2: Bartholomew asks Nell a follow-up question about the telescope, and she launches into a long, detailed history of it. Bartholomew is delighted until she explains it belongs to the museum where she works nights. Nell admits she meant to keep that quiet. Bartholomew admits he has already told the animal shelter that he has met someone who could help him adopt every dog there. Both are hurt by the other's secrets.
The decision
Act 3: The telescope still finds only the same star. Neither can recover the mood, and they walk down the hill together, in silence, to the same car.
The twist
The borrowed telescope turns out to be the museum's, which Nell was meant to be guarding that night.
The finale
Bartholomew and Nell leave the hill together in the same car, but the evening ends in mutual disappointment. Neither wants another date, and they part with polite nods.
Ending: A disaster
Who leaves the date first? They leave together
The box score
How this was scored
A disaster: trust 41 finished low, and that outweighed chemistry 72. The weak spot was awkwardness: how stiff it got. Endings read where the numbers finished, not how far they moved. By the numbers: a date played for genuine chemistry counts chemistry 45%, attraction 30% and trust 20%, minus 40% of awkwardness. This one came out +10.7 against an ordinary date: friends needs +11.0, a second date +16.0.
“I'm sorry, Nell. The star is also sorry.”
Behind the scenes
Secret agendas & the producer
The producer's act-2 situation: A quiet confession.
- Bartholomew Szczepanski: Find someone adventurous
- Nell Abiodun: Avoid talking about work
Guess the dealbreaker
Bartholomew Szczepanski's real dealbreaker was Anyone who calls heirloom tomatoes a trend. You didn't guess this one.
You didn't predict this one.
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